this love has taken its toll on me

"In a small way, I wish that you had just decided to give up. My life could have then proceeded to regain some state of my preconceived normalcy. I have been so comfortable with mediocrity, so satisfied with my constant search for someone that would be better for me, that I sometimes forget that I still have you. I would never cheat, I don't lie, but I still feel this pressing, unbearable feeling of guilt laying heavy on my chest. I can't pretend that I'm a victim to my ways either; I'm conscious of my decisions. Maybe I underestimated the power of suggestion. Or maybe I'm really just starting to catch on that you aren't good enough for me. Either way, I've become burdened with your burden. I don't know if you want me to wrong you so you can continue to wallow in self- pity, or if you're really interested in fighting for this relationship. I'm only happy with you when I see you. When you aren't around, I start to think the kind of thoughts that make me feel guilty. The problem is that you really aren't around enough to keep me consistently happy. It's not entirely your fault, I know you try, but I'm demanding. I know I'm not wasting my time, but I still sometimes feel as if I would be better suited to someone else. I don't know with you anymore. You're going to have to prove it to me. "

this was written by my friend Kat, i thought it was wonderful

disclaimer: these views may or may not reflect the blogmasters views.... hmmmmm. ??? LOL

Mending Tradition

(my apologies to Robert Frost)

Something there is that doesn't love tradition, 
That sends the frozen attitudes swell under it, 
And spills judgement into the room, 
And causes gaps, forces to choose a side. 
The work of the stubborn, 

Or the decision of the "rebellious" 
On the day we meet to make our mark, 

The gaps I mean.  
No one has seen them made or heard them made, 
But at every fellowship we find them there. 
"To each his own" I tell them him.
And he decides that he indeed does mind.  
And set the traditions between us once again. 
And agree, we do on some. 
Customs; silly and those that are of great importance, 
We have to be smart to make them balance:  
One on a side. It comes to little more: 
There where it is we do not need the rule,  
We are all part of one body
Yet, My beliefs will not hurt yours, 
I will not disturb your walk, 
He only says, 'Strict beliefs make good believers'. 
Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder 
If I could put a notion in his head: 
'Why do they make good believers? I inquire.  
Before I follow, I'd ask to know 
What I was blocking in or blocking out, 
And to whom I was like to give offence. 
Something there is that doesn't love Tradition, 
That wants it down.' I could say 'Change' to him, 
Tis a scary thought
He said it for himself. I see him there 
Making a puzzled face and shakes his head. 
He moves in darkness, ignorance as it seems to me~ 
He will not go behind his father's father's father's saying, 
And he likes having thought of it so well 
He says again, "Strict beliefs make good believers."

I've been working on this one for awhile, 

I dare you to question what you've always known. 

Stop caring about what other people believe, WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE?

Real Men Wear Feathers...

Please, somebody! Embrace this!

Not only is it impressive to see someone step outside the box for a change, but it happens to be a trend that I simply adore. Being more of a feather rather than the flower girl myself, I would love for somebody to sport this look. 

Down with pocket squares, long live the feather!

MEN: Wear this!

Menswear designer, Antonio Azzuolo, used feathers as boutonnieres to showcase his gorgeous Spring/Summer 2009 Collection (below).

French fashion designer, Alexis Mabille, used trimmed peacock feathers as a pocket square with his version of a men’s glen plaid suit—from his Spring/Summer 2009 Collection.
Surface Magazine, had a brilliant story—Sons of Man, styled with feathers, in their 2007 Annual Men’s Issue (below)

do it....i know you want to. 

should i get

BRAIDS?!?

i want braids during the coming summer months. 

but idk if i can pull it off, considering my style(or lack thereof)

check out these girls with braids, can i do it?? 

let me know  before i make what might be the biggest mistake of the year... :/

Hoping for a Hero's Saga rather than a Victim's Whine

I found myself sitting in a coffee shop, my nerdy glasses fogging up, finally accepting what I've been denying all along.  I've produced a blockade or wall of some-sort. When someone trespasses into my realm of security, I freak. Why are you being nice to me? How come you actually care about me? It appalls me how you can like me as a person when I don't even like myself. Why do I push those who love me the most away? Those who I love the most?  I don't write this to complain, rather to look back at old posts and smile because I have overcome an obstacle. (Hopefully. :/ )

Sarcasm and wit translates into a shield of comfort for me. However, I didn't realize that I was being absolutely formidable to those around me. I thought, Perhaps if I can push them away, I won't get attached and hurt when they leave. I hurt people because I have been hurt. Its almost like a competition, a subconscious one at that... if I hurt them first, they can't hurt me. Im not conniving or a gossip i don't plan to say mean things, I never tried to be mean but I guess I've never tried to be nice. Its as if i look for ways for you to dislike me, so that i don't have to worry with having a good friend, because one friends did a whole lot of damage. Friendship requires trust and I'm too scared to trust anyone. I can't trust anyone, and i don't trust anyone.

Sometimes its the people who you care about the most who have the most potential to hurt you the most. I cared, I still care. One person has ruined my attitude and complete outlook on life. I need to forgive just so that I can stop being so afraid of everyone else. I have allowed myself to feel that i am not worthy of friends, I feel as though because I wasn't good enough for him that I'm not good enough for anyone. While he's forgotten about me, I still feel the pain he's caused. and now I've begun to pass out that pain to anyone that I truly love. 

Im sorry if I've hurt you, I'm sorry that i push you away. I know you care about me, but in a way i don't want you to care. i dont think im worth it, im not what you think you see. But your not the only one, I believe I've made myself lonely for some time now. So i apologize to all who has ever tried. Im sorry, i will change I promise. It hurts me to see that I've hurt you. 

im off, to rewrite every memory of my victimization to a hero's adventure.

I Wouldn't be the Same

I laugh at my own jokes and what I deem to be clever wit
And you don't seem to mind that I'm so stupid
You kiss me once again, I forget what I'm babbling about

bleh. good song though!!!! :D

im happiest when im boring. 

and i love spending time with myself. 

random post.

the existence of God cannot be proven but neither can atheism...

One of the many reasons people cite for believing God doesn't exist is that there is no empirical evidence that he does, in fact, exist. 

I've been there, heard that. 

but the more i think about it, the morw faith i have. :]

bleh, weird day today. 

i left school early even though it meant skipping photography class (which greatly saddened me.) rather, I enjoyed a wonderful day of driving around with my mother to run errands. 'twas quite wonderful, im not gonna lie. 

im going to a tea party tonight, yes tea. 

this should be interesting. 

but i might as well see what many teas taste like....oh btw last night i had a dream Julie Andrews was there! lol how silly of me!

mmmk, imma go now. :]

speechless.

A few weeks ago, I had the privilege to attend an AWESOME service. Wow. it was unbelievable, the hospitality was warm, worship was inviting, and the preaching was impeccable. I sat with my sister Janessa and even in our silent glances to each other, we knew that inside we were both saying "danggg, this preaching is good!" I hadn't gone to a service like that in awhile, however, i noticed something that was bugging me the entire night. And even now, it irritates me just thinking about it.

i don't know what to feel, i don't know whether to be sad, upset, I probably should not care...yet i do.

In the midst of a great blessing from God, I found myself becoming a bit distracted. I could not help but notice some youth as they passed by the pew where i was sitting. A quiet but noticable hello was exchanged as the two friends greeted eachother. "Hey, Its good to see you here, I have to talk to you about something, do you have your phone?" "yea, text me," the other replied. I didn't really care that they were gonna text, im not much of a stickler when it comes to things like that, ive texted in church before, everyone has. But wow, i was shocked at the talent these individuals had. The ability to text throughout the enitre service while still comprehending the message of the sermon was incredible. Between messages they would occasionally look up, clap, even raise their hand in praise. I can only hope that I will one day be blessed with the skill of multitasking, it was a sight to see. Now, I dont want to criticize people because surely I have texted during a service before, but I was a child then. Friends, its time to grow up. Everyone is watching the youth, simply waiting for us to fail, don't give them a reason to talk about us. What could be so important the it could not wait til after service? Honestly, it didn't bother me that much that they were missing out, but that they were distracting others around them. 

I leave you with this...
Is church becoming a social event?
I wonder how many people would still attend if nobody went out to eat afterward?
I certainly hope that when I want God to listen to my problems he isn't too busy chatting it up with his friends.

I recieved a tremendous blessing that night, but I can only wonder if those 2 talkative friends did as well.