Hoping for a Hero's Saga rather than a Victim's Whine

I found myself sitting in a coffee shop, my nerdy glasses fogging up, finally accepting what I've been denying all along.  I've produced a blockade or wall of some-sort. When someone trespasses into my realm of security, I freak. Why are you being nice to me? How come you actually care about me? It appalls me how you can like me as a person when I don't even like myself. Why do I push those who love me the most away? Those who I love the most?  I don't write this to complain, rather to look back at old posts and smile because I have overcome an obstacle. (Hopefully. :/ )

Sarcasm and wit translates into a shield of comfort for me. However, I didn't realize that I was being absolutely formidable to those around me. I thought, Perhaps if I can push them away, I won't get attached and hurt when they leave. I hurt people because I have been hurt. Its almost like a competition, a subconscious one at that... if I hurt them first, they can't hurt me. Im not conniving or a gossip i don't plan to say mean things, I never tried to be mean but I guess I've never tried to be nice. Its as if i look for ways for you to dislike me, so that i don't have to worry with having a good friend, because one friends did a whole lot of damage. Friendship requires trust and I'm too scared to trust anyone. I can't trust anyone, and i don't trust anyone.

Sometimes its the people who you care about the most who have the most potential to hurt you the most. I cared, I still care. One person has ruined my attitude and complete outlook on life. I need to forgive just so that I can stop being so afraid of everyone else. I have allowed myself to feel that i am not worthy of friends, I feel as though because I wasn't good enough for him that I'm not good enough for anyone. While he's forgotten about me, I still feel the pain he's caused. and now I've begun to pass out that pain to anyone that I truly love. 

Im sorry if I've hurt you, I'm sorry that i push you away. I know you care about me, but in a way i don't want you to care. i dont think im worth it, im not what you think you see. But your not the only one, I believe I've made myself lonely for some time now. So i apologize to all who has ever tried. Im sorry, i will change I promise. It hurts me to see that I've hurt you. 

im off, to rewrite every memory of my victimization to a hero's adventure.