Hoping for a Hero's Saga rather than a Victim's Whine

I found myself sitting in a coffee shop, my nerdy glasses fogging up, finally accepting what I've been denying all along.  I've produced a blockade or wall of some-sort. When someone trespasses into my realm of security, I freak. Why are you being nice to me? How come you actually care about me? It appalls me how you can like me as a person when I don't even like myself. Why do I push those who love me the most away? Those who I love the most?  I don't write this to complain, rather to look back at old posts and smile because I have overcome an obstacle. (Hopefully. :/ )

Sarcasm and wit translates into a shield of comfort for me. However, I didn't realize that I was being absolutely formidable to those around me. I thought, Perhaps if I can push them away, I won't get attached and hurt when they leave. I hurt people because I have been hurt. Its almost like a competition, a subconscious one at that... if I hurt them first, they can't hurt me. Im not conniving or a gossip i don't plan to say mean things, I never tried to be mean but I guess I've never tried to be nice. Its as if i look for ways for you to dislike me, so that i don't have to worry with having a good friend, because one friends did a whole lot of damage. Friendship requires trust and I'm too scared to trust anyone. I can't trust anyone, and i don't trust anyone.

Sometimes its the people who you care about the most who have the most potential to hurt you the most. I cared, I still care. One person has ruined my attitude and complete outlook on life. I need to forgive just so that I can stop being so afraid of everyone else. I have allowed myself to feel that i am not worthy of friends, I feel as though because I wasn't good enough for him that I'm not good enough for anyone. While he's forgotten about me, I still feel the pain he's caused. and now I've begun to pass out that pain to anyone that I truly love. 

Im sorry if I've hurt you, I'm sorry that i push you away. I know you care about me, but in a way i don't want you to care. i dont think im worth it, im not what you think you see. But your not the only one, I believe I've made myself lonely for some time now. So i apologize to all who has ever tried. Im sorry, i will change I promise. It hurts me to see that I've hurt you. 

im off, to rewrite every memory of my victimization to a hero's adventure.

I Wouldn't be the Same

I laugh at my own jokes and what I deem to be clever wit
And you don't seem to mind that I'm so stupid
You kiss me once again, I forget what I'm babbling about

bleh. good song though!!!! :D

im happiest when im boring. 

and i love spending time with myself. 

random post.

the existence of God cannot be proven but neither can atheism...

One of the many reasons people cite for believing God doesn't exist is that there is no empirical evidence that he does, in fact, exist. 

I've been there, heard that. 

but the more i think about it, the morw faith i have. :]

bleh, weird day today. 

i left school early even though it meant skipping photography class (which greatly saddened me.) rather, I enjoyed a wonderful day of driving around with my mother to run errands. 'twas quite wonderful, im not gonna lie. 

im going to a tea party tonight, yes tea. 

this should be interesting. 

but i might as well see what many teas taste like....oh btw last night i had a dream Julie Andrews was there! lol how silly of me!

mmmk, imma go now. :]