this love has taken its toll on me

"In a small way, I wish that you had just decided to give up. My life could have then proceeded to regain some state of my preconceived normalcy. I have been so comfortable with mediocrity, so satisfied with my constant search for someone that would be better for me, that I sometimes forget that I still have you. I would never cheat, I don't lie, but I still feel this pressing, unbearable feeling of guilt laying heavy on my chest. I can't pretend that I'm a victim to my ways either; I'm conscious of my decisions. Maybe I underestimated the power of suggestion. Or maybe I'm really just starting to catch on that you aren't good enough for me. Either way, I've become burdened with your burden. I don't know if you want me to wrong you so you can continue to wallow in self- pity, or if you're really interested in fighting for this relationship. I'm only happy with you when I see you. When you aren't around, I start to think the kind of thoughts that make me feel guilty. The problem is that you really aren't around enough to keep me consistently happy. It's not entirely your fault, I know you try, but I'm demanding. I know I'm not wasting my time, but I still sometimes feel as if I would be better suited to someone else. I don't know with you anymore. You're going to have to prove it to me. "

this was written by my friend Kat, i thought it was wonderful

disclaimer: these views may or may not reflect the blogmasters views.... hmmmmm. ??? LOL

Mending Tradition

(my apologies to Robert Frost)

Something there is that doesn't love tradition, 
That sends the frozen attitudes swell under it, 
And spills judgement into the room, 
And causes gaps, forces to choose a side. 
The work of the stubborn, 

Or the decision of the "rebellious" 
On the day we meet to make our mark, 

The gaps I mean.  
No one has seen them made or heard them made, 
But at every fellowship we find them there. 
"To each his own" I tell them him.
And he decides that he indeed does mind.  
And set the traditions between us once again. 
And agree, we do on some. 
Customs; silly and those that are of great importance, 
We have to be smart to make them balance:  
One on a side. It comes to little more: 
There where it is we do not need the rule,  
We are all part of one body
Yet, My beliefs will not hurt yours, 
I will not disturb your walk, 
He only says, 'Strict beliefs make good believers'. 
Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder 
If I could put a notion in his head: 
'Why do they make good believers? I inquire.  
Before I follow, I'd ask to know 
What I was blocking in or blocking out, 
And to whom I was like to give offence. 
Something there is that doesn't love Tradition, 
That wants it down.' I could say 'Change' to him, 
Tis a scary thought
He said it for himself. I see him there 
Making a puzzled face and shakes his head. 
He moves in darkness, ignorance as it seems to me~ 
He will not go behind his father's father's father's saying, 
And he likes having thought of it so well 
He says again, "Strict beliefs make good believers."

I've been working on this one for awhile, 

I dare you to question what you've always known. 

Stop caring about what other people believe, WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE?

Real Men Wear Feathers...

Please, somebody! Embrace this!

Not only is it impressive to see someone step outside the box for a change, but it happens to be a trend that I simply adore. Being more of a feather rather than the flower girl myself, I would love for somebody to sport this look. 

Down with pocket squares, long live the feather!

MEN: Wear this!

Menswear designer, Antonio Azzuolo, used feathers as boutonnieres to showcase his gorgeous Spring/Summer 2009 Collection (below).

French fashion designer, Alexis Mabille, used trimmed peacock feathers as a pocket square with his version of a men’s glen plaid suit—from his Spring/Summer 2009 Collection.
Surface Magazine, had a brilliant story—Sons of Man, styled with feathers, in their 2007 Annual Men’s Issue (below)

do it....i know you want to. 

should i get

BRAIDS?!?

i want braids during the coming summer months. 

but idk if i can pull it off, considering my style(or lack thereof)

check out these girls with braids, can i do it?? 

let me know  before i make what might be the biggest mistake of the year... :/

Hoping for a Hero's Saga rather than a Victim's Whine

I found myself sitting in a coffee shop, my nerdy glasses fogging up, finally accepting what I've been denying all along.  I've produced a blockade or wall of some-sort. When someone trespasses into my realm of security, I freak. Why are you being nice to me? How come you actually care about me? It appalls me how you can like me as a person when I don't even like myself. Why do I push those who love me the most away? Those who I love the most?  I don't write this to complain, rather to look back at old posts and smile because I have overcome an obstacle. (Hopefully. :/ )

Sarcasm and wit translates into a shield of comfort for me. However, I didn't realize that I was being absolutely formidable to those around me. I thought, Perhaps if I can push them away, I won't get attached and hurt when they leave. I hurt people because I have been hurt. Its almost like a competition, a subconscious one at that... if I hurt them first, they can't hurt me. Im not conniving or a gossip i don't plan to say mean things, I never tried to be mean but I guess I've never tried to be nice. Its as if i look for ways for you to dislike me, so that i don't have to worry with having a good friend, because one friends did a whole lot of damage. Friendship requires trust and I'm too scared to trust anyone. I can't trust anyone, and i don't trust anyone.

Sometimes its the people who you care about the most who have the most potential to hurt you the most. I cared, I still care. One person has ruined my attitude and complete outlook on life. I need to forgive just so that I can stop being so afraid of everyone else. I have allowed myself to feel that i am not worthy of friends, I feel as though because I wasn't good enough for him that I'm not good enough for anyone. While he's forgotten about me, I still feel the pain he's caused. and now I've begun to pass out that pain to anyone that I truly love. 

Im sorry if I've hurt you, I'm sorry that i push you away. I know you care about me, but in a way i don't want you to care. i dont think im worth it, im not what you think you see. But your not the only one, I believe I've made myself lonely for some time now. So i apologize to all who has ever tried. Im sorry, i will change I promise. It hurts me to see that I've hurt you. 

im off, to rewrite every memory of my victimization to a hero's adventure.

I Wouldn't be the Same

I laugh at my own jokes and what I deem to be clever wit
And you don't seem to mind that I'm so stupid
You kiss me once again, I forget what I'm babbling about

bleh. good song though!!!! :D

im happiest when im boring. 

and i love spending time with myself. 

random post.

the existence of God cannot be proven but neither can atheism...

One of the many reasons people cite for believing God doesn't exist is that there is no empirical evidence that he does, in fact, exist. 

I've been there, heard that. 

but the more i think about it, the morw faith i have. :]

bleh, weird day today. 

i left school early even though it meant skipping photography class (which greatly saddened me.) rather, I enjoyed a wonderful day of driving around with my mother to run errands. 'twas quite wonderful, im not gonna lie. 

im going to a tea party tonight, yes tea. 

this should be interesting. 

but i might as well see what many teas taste like....oh btw last night i had a dream Julie Andrews was there! lol how silly of me!

mmmk, imma go now. :]

speechless.

A few weeks ago, I had the privilege to attend an AWESOME service. Wow. it was unbelievable, the hospitality was warm, worship was inviting, and the preaching was impeccable. I sat with my sister Janessa and even in our silent glances to each other, we knew that inside we were both saying "danggg, this preaching is good!" I hadn't gone to a service like that in awhile, however, i noticed something that was bugging me the entire night. And even now, it irritates me just thinking about it.

i don't know what to feel, i don't know whether to be sad, upset, I probably should not care...yet i do.

In the midst of a great blessing from God, I found myself becoming a bit distracted. I could not help but notice some youth as they passed by the pew where i was sitting. A quiet but noticable hello was exchanged as the two friends greeted eachother. "Hey, Its good to see you here, I have to talk to you about something, do you have your phone?" "yea, text me," the other replied. I didn't really care that they were gonna text, im not much of a stickler when it comes to things like that, ive texted in church before, everyone has. But wow, i was shocked at the talent these individuals had. The ability to text throughout the enitre service while still comprehending the message of the sermon was incredible. Between messages they would occasionally look up, clap, even raise their hand in praise. I can only hope that I will one day be blessed with the skill of multitasking, it was a sight to see. Now, I dont want to criticize people because surely I have texted during a service before, but I was a child then. Friends, its time to grow up. Everyone is watching the youth, simply waiting for us to fail, don't give them a reason to talk about us. What could be so important the it could not wait til after service? Honestly, it didn't bother me that much that they were missing out, but that they were distracting others around them. 

I leave you with this...
Is church becoming a social event?
I wonder how many people would still attend if nobody went out to eat afterward?
I certainly hope that when I want God to listen to my problems he isn't too busy chatting it up with his friends.

I recieved a tremendous blessing that night, but I can only wonder if those 2 talkative friends did as well.

WORLD changers? What about changing OURSELVES?

The world wont be changed until we are changed individually. How can we be a light when we ourselves may still be living in darkness? I accidently stumbled upon this article... but it really got me thinking...

"When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world.  As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened by sights somewhat and decided to change only my country. But it, too, seem immovable. As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it. And now I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realized: If I had only changed myself first, then by example I would have changed by family. From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country and, who knows, I may have even changed the world."  -found on a tomb at Westminster Abby

Jesus knows that the world can only be changed when individual people are changed. Jesus often dealt with individual people. He met them at the level of their need, no matter where He was or how great the multitudes were.  He stopped everything and called down Zacchaeus (Luke 19:5); He stopped everybody to find the women with the issue of blood (Mark 5:34); He called out blind Bartimaeus from the crowds (Mark 10:49), He removed the crowds with a question, then forgave a women caught in sin (John 8:11); He met a Samaritan women alone (John 4:7); He gave the 'born again' message to one person (John 3:5); He gave the 'keys to the kingdom' to one person-Peter (Matt. 16:19). Jesus loves you enough to change you into what you should be and He is now asking you the same question he asked James and John in Mark 10:35:    "What would ye that I should do for you?"  

I was walking down the staircase in my home, when i looked up i saw what i must have passed by thousands of times,

Sure, intercessary prayer is needed, but I think we may be forgetting the bigger picture. What good is it for the rest of the world to be saved when we can't even save our own families? Maybe we should first call ourselves "Us-Changers", then "Family Changers" then "Community Changers" then "Culture Changers" then finally, when we have truly made a change, "WORLD CHANGERS"

Hope, Freedom, Security

I heard this message at The Call, it really changed my view about the political system of today.
I do not know what this preacher's name is, but he was after Eric Lopez.

"America is saturated through all the means of media and communication with various presentations of agenda items that stem to a political reality. Let me make it clear, There is greater agenda than the political agenda of our time, it is the agenda of the kingdom of God, and it is the agenda of the cross.
Romans chapter 8 gives us the tendency of that agenda “Therefore, there is now no condemnation to those that are in Christ Jesus and walk not after the flesh, but after the spirit.” This is the agenda of the kingdom of god; this is the agenda of the cross. It is an agenda of hope and of freedom and of security, let me make it clear right now, Wall Street is tumbling, houses are falling, banks are closing, but in Christ Jesus there is hope for today and hope for tomorrow. The proliferation of violence, the spirit of Herod assaulting our children, The culture of Sodom and Gomorra innovating our way of life, But there is hope in Christ Jesus!
In the midst of moral relativism, a war on terror, political ambiguity, economic uncertainty, and a myriad of tragic and depressing news, There is good news for California and good news for America, For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him will not perish but have everlasting life!
I want you to know this, HOPE is not a political sound byte; HOPE is not a campaign slogan, HOPE is not a tool of political expediency, HOPE is a person: CHRIST the hope of glory. In Jesus there is hope for tomorrow, in Jesus Christ there is hope for today, in Jesus there is hope for you family, In Jesus there is in hope for California, From San Diego to the Oregon border, In Jesus there is hope for our nation.
Not only hope, but Romans 8 in the word of God the gospel was an agenda of freedom. Let me make it clear today, our freedom does not come from Washington DC or Sacramento, California, our freedom does not stem from the corridors of political parties, true freedom comes from a relationship with Jesus Christ. For he whom the son sets free is free indeed! For ye shall know the truth and the truth shall set us free! Freedom from condemnation, freedom from bondage, freedom from fear, freedom from sin, if you are bound today and feel captive, I’ve got news for you, The same God that freed Joseph from pit of prison is the same God that will set you free today. The same God that freed the Hebrew children of out Egyptian captivity will set you free today the same God that freed Daniel out of the lion’s den will set you free today, freedom! Freedom to the woman at the well, and the blind man Bartimaeus, to the crippled at the gate called beautiful, in California, and America in 2008! I’m here to tell you freedom is here, “For therefore now there is no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus.” He loves you and he wants to set you free, for therefore now there is NO condemnation!
And finally, this agenda is not only an agenda of hope and freedom, but the agenda of security; I don’t know who is going to occupy Pennsylvania Avenue come January. I don’t know if Wall Street is going to continue to tumble, but one thing that I do know, is that my redeemer liveth! Does anybody know that our redeemer liveth?
So let me finish by reading you a reassurance policy; an agenda of security has nothing to do with military institutions of strategies of man. Here comes the greatest security statement; “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?...For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Hope, freedom, and security that is the agenda of the kingdom of God, and if you have yet to experience the fullness of that reality…this is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. God bless you, God bless California, and God bless America."

-unknown speaker @ The Call

The Butterfly Effect...

So I got to thinking…and usually when I think too hard, my brain is suddenly filled with ridiculous pandemonium. However, being off task in AP Spanish has for once paid off.

I’m sure we all have heard of “The Butterfly Effect”…but if you haven’t, it is an idea that just one flap of a butterfly’s wings can create very small changes in the atmosphere, and those changes may consequently alter the course of weather on earth. It is a theory that small variations of the initial condition of a dymanical system may produce large variations in the long term behavior of the system. If the butterfly had not flapped its wings, perhaps the whole system would have been different.

Stay with me, I’m going somewhere with this….

Remember World Changers? I know that we all say that we are going to change the world…but how? I would keep thinking to myself, Its easy for me to represent WC, but to be honest, I haven’t done much. I can’t pick up and be a missionary Africa…and I’m not always able to go chill with the homeless…I can’t adopt a needy child…nor can I go preach in the jails (not yet at least).

So there I was, in Spanish class, I should have been working on my “pronombres” haha, but I realized that I already am changing the world. If one butterfly’s wings can ultimately change the course of earth, imagine what I can do with one smile, with one “How you doing?”, with one prayer. We will be held accountable for the things around us that we saw but did not change. Think about it, we are CHANGING THE WORLD, the only question is, are we changing it for the better?

Men with men, women with women

...I'm telling you God ain't gonna have it. 

As November quickly approaches, I've heard more political talk than ever, but what really disturbs me is that I've noticed Jesus name believers admitting that they don't support proposition 8(one that would protect the covenant of marriage). Now, I don't seek to dictate who or what to vote for, but i wish that Christians would truly research and PRAY about the political ballot. America is in one of those times, where whatever we do now, will change the country forever, and i think that that voters are underestimating their power(oh, what i wouldn't give to be old enough to vote!) 

"As California goes, so goes the country. " thus, a massive block of responsibility has been placed on the Christian voters shoulders. I firmly believe that a follower of Christ should be knowledgeable about the political issues around them. If we don't vote the "Christian Way"...who will? If we don't pray for correct governmental leaders...who will? I believe that God is calling us to STAND OUT, and to STAND UP for what is right. 

I have a strong conviction that God's design for marriage is between a man and a women. Not to mention, that the collective wisdom of human history, biology, and logic, shows us that marriage is designed to be between one man and one woman. It is essential in today's society to preserve God's design for the family as the best building block of society.

Do not allow people to fool you and convince you to say things like, "it doesn't affect my life so let them do what they want" because if we take this battle lightly, we will lose a moral war. Pastors would be obligated to marry homosexuals and children in grades as early as kindergarden would be taught "alternative lifestyles". On Oct. 22 in Sacramento, kindergardeners even had a "COMING OUT DAY" if this has happened without a law protecting the school system, imagine what will happen with one. 

I leave you with this..."When the enemy comes in like a flood, The Spirit of the Lord will lift up a standard against him." Isaiah 59:19. We must protect the standard for marriage, its time to STAND OUT.